I cannot even pretend to use words to describe something that sublime, I can just say that every time I get to see it, there is this sensation of calm, peace, joy. It attracts me like a bright light trying to show me the way out of a long dark tunnel. I would say, with no shame whatsoever, I became addicted to it.

A caress that feels like rain on your face while you walk in the forest in a summer day, a look that resembles the full moon reflected on the ocean and makes you wander in it, a laughter that recalls a soft melody, a voice that makes you fly higher than any drug… everything comes together and all my old memories seem so little, missing that doze of rush that goes all over my body and I can feel it in every cell, makes me go insane, craving for more. It takes its time, like the sun when sets in the horizon very slowly and it paints the sky with this magnificent colors.

I attempted to close my eyes for a brief moment and immediately got dragged by my imagination to astonishing places and it does not matter where it takes me, I feel that presence and makes me jump to the next scenario making a huge effort to reach it, to get a piece of that soul that will heal my broken being.

Now I will just lay down in the dark while I hear a river flowing, some flutes in the background and let my loneliness to keep playing tricks in my mind.

When kids we used to be scared of the dark, thinking we could find our worst fear and will be eaten  in our sleep… now as a grown up I think of the darkness more as an old friend that was always waiting my come back.

For so long I have been dealing with monsters, ghosts, scary thoughts, people leaving, friends dying.. I have been heartbroken endless times and yet all that brought me back to that little corner next to my bed with a clear view of the sky thanks of a convenient window above me.

When I used to be in complete silence, learning to deal with the unknown and a mental blindness, the fact you could get a glimpse of light seems like a hallucination… but there I was, walking towards that oasis, not caring if it was real or not, it was just damn beautiful to let it pass.

I draw into that deep, deep ocean, swimming and for the first time I found my north. You should have seen it, so beautiful, so peaceful, so fulfilling…so perfect. Every word coming out sounded like the most hypnotic melody that will attract me to him, got lost into those eyes, got drunk with that pure soul. I was finally leaving that old dark friend without knowing it was giving me just a break.

As someone that finds writing so cathartic, this …I cannot describe it and I even hate myself for not being able to express with words what it is just the most beautiful essence of someone…their soul, that part that was never touched by anyone so far.

You could not see what I did, just an ocean of confusing emotions fighting at the same time, a hurting heart, a chest with so many scars… yet I wanted to mend all of it and I just attempted to give (ironically) the most messed up part of me I had at the moment but yet the most valuable…my heart.

Endless nights, songs made with laughs, unspoken words replaced with smiles, tender looks that surpassed distance and time…. oh time! another relative concept. Our brains had no words in this because it was beyond their logic. How do you expect me to summarize in one word or phrase so many emotions and sensations playing together like butterflies in an open field?

En una hora específica, un día cualquiera, el ruido bloqueado a propósito y las pocas personas que iban en dirección contraria solo formaban parte de un fondo borroso que no podía suprimir.

Una especie de agujero negro iba succionando todo recuerdo, no había dolor… no había sensibilidad, de alguna manera fotografiaba pequeños cuadros que paralizaban la vista tan sólo por tener una prueba que no estaba soñando como cada noche lo hacía por no poder conciliar unas horas de sueño.

La madera crujía debajo de mis pies, cada pocos segundos tomaba una bocanada de aire frío para poder seguir, más allá no se distinguía un final … y yo seguía caminando despacio, insegura, perdida, absorta.

Ciertos ritmos me llevaban a un sitio nuevo y aleatorio que pretendía explorar quedándome quieta, mis ojos barrían con cada detalle y una belleza que se mantenía escondida se asomaba descaradamente y me congelaba.

Eran tiempos de guerra, batallas que parecían infinitas y yo esperaba presenciar a la muerte inminente pero tan sólo había llanto ahogado, cabezas bajas y tantos soldados heridos que eran pequeñas piezas de cristal imposible de unirlas impecablemente en un todo de nuevo.

Debajo de esas tablas de maderas se extendía otro infinito intimidante y yo seguía caminando manteniendo la vista hacia el frente y no sentir vértigo o quizás las ganas de saltar hacia ello y perderme adormecida.

No quería regresar y la noche abría sus fauces mortales hacia mí pero no tenía miedo, ¡llévame! Sentía algunas miradas curiosas que me seguían, melancólicas, y yo sentía la cara desencajada y la mente nublada, sin saberlo siempre estuve yendo directo hacia ella, esa nada oscura y poderosa… no seas cobarde – me repetía una y otra vez –  de pronto se sentía más acogedora, sin reproches, no había expectativas… poco a poco dormía cada sentido e iba cayendo, suave, lánguida, rendida.